LOVE

                                                        (Feb 27, 2011-Jan. 12, 2014)

I look at this picture and my heart seems to skip a beat and to melt with love within me.  Today would have been his 3rd birthday. And so I again reflect on his life and the meaning of the love I had for him.
I look at hundreds of pictures of orphans. My heart goes out to them with love and prayers that they find their family.  Some I have even thought, "yes, maybe we could be their family."  But none have ever stirred me as the pictures of this sweet child.  Why? Who can explain love? Really, truly?  That subject has probably been the most explored topic of history.  Not just love between a man and woman, but family love, a mother's love, God's love.  I believe that there is something about love that can never fully be put into words or even fully comprehended.  And I won't pretend to even try.  All I know is before my first child was born I fell deeply in love with that child.  After he was born (and we finally knew his gender!) my love deepened profoundly(which had nothing to do with his gender!!  It was just nice to finally know that bit of info.)
The love for this particular child was strong and real, just like it was for my children before they were born. Who can explain that?  All I had were his pictures and some first hand accounts of his personality and some sketchy details about his health.  I didn't feel him rolling around and kicking inside of me.  I didn't feel his hiccups or his quiet times.  He wasn't part of my DNA.  But still, I loved him.
But as I think of my love for him, I can't help but think of his birth mother.  I can not even begin to fathom what the circumstances were that brought her to abandon her son.  I can surmise from what I have been told, however, that the majority of children who are abandoned are abandoned because the parents lack the money to pay for the surgeries that will save their children's lives.  There is no health care insurance.  The fees could easily take several years worth of the parent's wages.  And there are very few charitable organizations that help parent's pay for the surgeries their children need, thus letting them keep their babies, not abandon them.
I think to the time of his birth.  I can imagine the parent's would have been very pleased to know they had a son.  When did they find out that he had a severe birth defect that would kill him?  Was it just shortly after birth and the doctor informed them as they cradled their son?  Or did they have him many days before the slow realization came to them that something was drastically wrong?  I can easily imagine the profound love and the depths of the anguish they must have felt when they first realized his problem.  The helplessness knowing they did not have the money up front for his surgery.  The hopeless feeling, the agony.  The wishing that time could turn back and their son could form correctly in the womb.
I don't know if it was the mother or the father who finally made the decision to abandon their son.  Abandon him in hope that someone would find him who could help him.  Help him to live.  Who was the last to be with him?  His mother?  Could she really take him somewhere and just leave him?  As a mother I can't even wrap my mind around this concept.  Having to abandon your child in hopes that he can find help and live.
Oh how my love and heart go out to this mother...these parent's who have to do such a horrible thing to seek help.
Bo Yu did receive the life saving surgery.  His prognosis was not good.  He almost did not survive.  But than his body fought back and he survived and thrived.  He became strong and medically stable.  He was in a good medical orphanage that loved and cherished him.
And yet all the time his mother had to learn to live without her son. The child she had nurtured and loved when he was within her body. The child she was forced to abandon because she could not pay for the medical help he needed.  She could not know the outcome of her son.  She could only hope and hope and hope that he lived. Does she think of him every day?  Does she grieve deeply?  How could she not?!  
What she does not know is that her son lived for two years longer, only to die from something else, very unexpectedly.  She can't know.  She is grieving and will always grieve for that son.  But tempered with hope that he is alive.  
But I know he did not live.  And I grieve for him.  I grieve for his mother and father.  I grieve for the injustice of life that forced them to abandon him in the first place.  I feel very connected to a person in China whom I will never meet on this earth.  I feel that I am grieving for her, since she does not know to grieve for his death. I pray for his mother and his father that they will come to know God and in heaven we will meet and celebrate the life of Bo Yu, restored to perfect health!
Bo Yu will never be my son but I will always love him as if he had been.

Would I do it again?

Today is Tuesday.  I sit in reflection of what it means to have loved someone who I never got to meet in person.  Someone though, who from the very first picture I saw of him, grabbed my attention and my heart. 

(The little girl was recently brought home by her family, where she belongs!)

I had found every picture I could of him.  The one where he had an oxygen tube in his nose, before his surgery.  The one of him the day after his surgery. The one of him playfully grabbing a playmates head. All the pictures touched me profoundly.  

I could almost smell his baby smell and feel the softness of his hair (and oh how I love babies' heads!).  I could imagine his playful self zooming around the room.  I could almost hear his giggle as he ate a mango or something equally delicious.

I had begun to feel like he could really belong here, with us, as part of our family.  I had hoped and prayed we could raise enough money.  I prayed and hoped his adoption file would be completed so that we could even begin the process to bring him to where we knew he could belong.
And then, abruptly, we received a phone call telling us he had unexpectedly died on Sunday, January 12, 2014.
So I ponder the question, would I do it again, if I knew the outcome.  Would I pore over his pictures and think and pray for him?  Would I fall in love with him if I knew I would never hold him, or rock him to sleep, or hug him when he was afraid, or kiss him good night?
Yes, yes I would. How could I not?  For I truly felt he could belong here with us as part of our family.  We have been privileged to be born into a land of more freedom and opportunity than almost any other place on earth.  
We are middle class all the way.  Not rich.  At least not by the world's standards.   (My husband just recently got his first "smart phone" afterall!  And I do not have one.) 
But we are rich in so many ways.  We have the love of each other.  We belong together and wouldn't have it any other way.  We know we are loved and belong to the God of the Universe. A God who loved us so much that He sacrificed His own Son so we could belong with Him, if we so choose.
So many children on this earth do not get to experience the love and belonging of a family or know of God's love and wanting them to belong to Him.  No, we can't change the world but we can change the world for child.  So why shouldn't we?!  Will it cost money? Yes indeed.  Will cost time, effort, hardships, worry, stress, invasion of one's privacy? Yes to all of those things.  But if it give's one child the belonging they deserve it is worth every one of those things and more!
Goodbye for now our sweet Bo Yu.  We loved you from afar.

Our adoption journey.

Scheming To Belong

When you were a teenager, did you ever try to make a scheme to get that guy you liked to notice you (or vice versa)? You might have really felt you belonged together.  You really, really longed for him (or her) to love you and just be together.  Isn't that the universal longing? Sure cultural differences may make the longings be expressed differently.  But even when I lived in Asia where (at the time) at least 50 % of all marriages were stilled arranged by the parents, the longing for love and to belong was in the heart of most. ( I think it is in the heart of all, but it isn't always understood by the person having the longings because of their culture.) 
The past few months I have seen several videos of various children who are also longing to belong.  They were all older children (12 + years old).  But they were not thinking of a boyfriend or girlfriend.  They were pouring out their heartfelt longing for someone to notice them, to love them to belong together, as parents and children.
How my heart breaks for each of these children, who had their basic fundamental right of having parents raise them, was denied.  How I wish I could take in several of them and be that parent they so long for.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wEyO-tpnJfI

Of course, all that takes money.  Yes, money is the limiting factor.

So join our TEAM DANIEL and help us bring one or two of these precious ones into a family.  
Thanks to all who joined our Pampered Chef Party.
We now have our Trades of Hope sell going on.  Check it out.  It will benefit a woman somewhere in the world to get our of poverty and it will benefit our adoption.
http://www.mytradesofhope.com/parties/1448

Aren't You To Old

For those of you who already have been following this blog, you have read a little glimpse into why I felt we should adopt a child.  When we were in court, in Russia, the first time, I was asked how many children did I intend to have/adopt?  I answered without thinking.  "Sir we only intend to adopt this one child and we do not intend to give birth to any others."  But I instantly regretted my hasty words.  I really wasn't being dishonest.  However, as soon as those words were out, I had the thought, "What about A?" 
 We had fallen in love with him from the moment we were introduced.  But I knew intellectually that we could not adopt him.  First, we were only approved for 1 child in our homestudy. If we had tried to add another child at that time, we would have had to get a homestudy update which would have required lots of time and money.  Secondly, Russia required a complete set of documents for each child.  Those documents had taken us literally months to gather. (Not because we wanted it to take that long.  And not because we didn't work hard at getting them all.  It was just that we needed so many documents and many of them hinged on procuring other documents first.) Thirdly, we were dependent on other people to do their job to get the documents to us.  And last but not least, it would have required lots of extra money up front.  Which of course, we did not have.
But still what about A?  We prayed, we talked, we schemed "how" and we even begged and pleaded with friends, family, and even strangers who would listen, to adopt him.  But then the adoption ban against Americans adopting from Russia, came.  And that seems to have halted our quest for A for now.
But that did not end my avid following of other peoples adoption related blogs.  
In fact, a former student of Trent's began the adoption process, with her husband, of a child in China who desperately needs heart surgery.  I have followed their progress on facebook mostly.  But one day she posted a picture of her hoped for daughter and with her  in the picture, was a fellow orphanage mate.  The instant I saw his picture, I was in love.  
This child is just under 2 years of age and also has congenital heart defects.  He has had one surgery provided by generous USA doctors and by a donor from the US who paid the costs (at least to my understanding that is what has occurred.)  But he will need another heart surgery at some point in the future.  
Did I mention he is under 2?!  I really wasn't intending to adopt a toddler.  I am getting up there in years.  Actually, many of my friends and peers who are around my age, have or are eagerly expecting grandchildren  not to adding more babies and toddlers of their own!  But than I look at pictures of him and feel jealous at the prospect of someone else raising him.  I know that sounds ridiculous.  Afterall, he isn't my son in any sense of the word nor have I even met him.  But who can really explain love?
Those of you who know Trent and I, know we always make everything a matter of prayer.  We are still praying for the best thing to happen.  For us and for this child.  We have begun the first tentative steps for fundraising. 
 Honestly, because of the huge amount the last adoption cost (just the average cost for Russian adoption was huge and we had huge added on expenses for extra documents and an extra trip to Russia,  Just the plane tickets and hotel costs were huge for that extra trip. Not to mention the huge cost for tickets and hotels for the other 4 trips!!!) we are needing help to pay off the last chunk of money for that extra trip and start saving for the next one.
So we hope to have some fundraisers where everyone will find something they can buy (and benefit themselves with) and help us as well.  
The first fundraiser if for Pampered Chef.  So we hope you will join Team Daniel and check it out!!  www.pamperedchef.biz/blessedx7.  Make sure you put Jeannie Logan as the host so we will get the money!

Providences of God Part 2

I must confess, I am an adoption blog junkie.  I follow quite a few blogs plus read perhaps dozens of others occasionally.  One recurring theme that I have seen in these blogs actually could be our story as well.  Let me tell you the story...
After our first trip to Russia to meet Z and sign our petition to adopt, we figured we really needed some relaxation and some family time.  We had worked so hard to get in all that paperwork and we also had been painting our house, adding some flower boxes around our windows and planting flowers.  We spent a few days playing with D & L.  Then a serious situation arose in the extended family that we felt we needed to be there to help with.  So off we went on the 14 hour trip to Groveland, CA.
We had to start after church and we drove until about 3 in the morning and stopped at a rest area outside of Selma, CA.  We woke up about 5:20 and got back on the road.  I was driving.  About 3/4 of a mile out of the rest area, after I had just gotten up to the highway speed of 70 m.p.h., I saw some kind of debris on the road ahead.  I tried to get over in the other lane but there was a car approaching, so I looked to get over on the shoulder of the highway but it was to late.  I was already on top of the debris.  It looked like a metal pipe but I really wasn't sure.  We immediately started hearing a clunk and metal dragging along the ground.  So I started to pull over as soon as I could slow down.  As soon as I stopped Trent opened his door and we could smell gas and both Trent and I said to the kids, "out of the car now!!!!"  We all ran from the car.  Trent had his cell phone and called 911.  
And we waited and waited and waited. (Meanwhile pacing back and forth wondering how much damage was done, how we were going to proceed on our trip---which had an urgent reason behind it in the first place-- and what would happen if any spark came close to our van.  And we prayed and sang and tried to stay positive. We even tried to find as many positive things in the situation as we could.)  And no one came for some time.  We were expecting any minute there would be flames but nothing happened. 
Finally after about 45 minutes, a Selma city police stopped and asked if we had called for help.  We told him we had.  He called the CHP and found out they were confused where we were.  This police was very helpful.  He called  a tow truck for us.  Finally after another 30 min. a CHP officer stopped by.  But we didn't need help at this point.  The truck came shortly after and towed us into the Toyota Dealer in Selma.  Because it was Sunday and the next day was July 4, it was closed until Tuesday.  And the tow truck guy took us over to the car rental and it turns out it was closed until Tuesday!  We prayed about what to do.  
I suddenly remembered that Trent's Uncle and Aunt lived within 20 miles of that place.  Trent called Aunt Ruth up.   She called up their son, Bruce and he cheerfully came and picked us up and took us into Fresno.  We went to the airport to rent a car.  So we rented a car and stopped to get food at WinCo.  Then we drove on to Groveland.  We ended up being about 4-5 hours later than we expected but still got there with no injuries or death. PTL!!!!!!

These pictures are of the gas tank.  When we went back to get our van, Trent went out and asked if he could take pictures of the tank.  We were curious how big the hole was.  Also we want to always remember this incident.
While Trent was taking the pictures, I went in to pay the bill.  The Customer Service man was so in awe.  He told me straight up that he could not fathom how our van did not catch on fire.  After all the gas tank had a huge hole with that had had gas gushing out, while the pipe was stuck there and being dragged along the pavement, most likely causing all kinds of sparks to fly.  Yet the gas didn't catch on fire.  Sure it is not that easy to get gas to catch on fire.  But I believe that our guardian angels made sure that it didn't.  And the Customer Service man said he had to agree with me there!
So what is this recurring theme I have read in adoption blogs?
The day that people commit to adopting a child, things begin to go haywire at a much faster rate than usual.  I mean that Satan goes on the war path.  Things begin to break down, accidents happen, problems with paperwork and with uncooperative people at many diverse locations and businesses, health problems and much more.  
Why do you suppose this is the case?  What is it to Satan anyway?
Stay tuned for my take on it next time. :)

Providences of God

I am not a person that has routinely kept a journal or diary in my life except on two occasions.  The year I spent in S. Korea as a missionary, I kept a journal.  It is a treasure to me to reread about that year of my life.  I relive the time in my mind.  I reaffirm to myself that that decision to be a missionary for a year, was the best decision I had ever made up until that time, outside of accepting God as my Lord and Savior and being baptized.  I remember how God protected me and helped me over some rocky way.  I see the providences and encouragements of God in the different incidences I wrote about.
The second time period in my life that I kept somewhat of a journal was during the adoption process for our youngest daughter Z.  I look back over the journal now and remember especially how God gave us little assurances along the very rocky, difficult almost impossible way, that He was with us.  He was providing for us in little providences and encouragements.
Many of the things I wrote about and remember were actually very little things.  But they had such big consequences.  For instance, at one point, we were told our paperwork had to be to Russia by such and such a day (which was only a 4 days away).  The thing was that the paperwork had to be redone (again) because of mistakes and expiration dates etc.  Then after getting the paperwork done one has to get it apostilled (which means the Secretary of State's office in your state has to put a special seal on each of the documents, verifying that the notary that notarized the document is authentic).  
Of course, the Secretary of State is in Phoenix which is about 3 hours plus drive for us.  Usually we mailed them to be apostilled, which would take roughly 7 days to be returned.  But because of the demand from the Russian authorities, we only had a few days, D and I drove down to Phoenix to get the documents done.  I had printed out directions for the nearest Post Office, from the Secretary of State's building.  However, following the directions did not end me up at a Post Office.  I drove around and around hoping to bump into one.  But after 30 min of that I decided it would be better to drive back home.  I hoped to find the Post Office in the town of Payson on our way home.  It was only about 3 hours until closing time of the Post Office and I knew I had better hurry.  
Just before the exit onto the correct highway, I saw a sign for an exit for what I thought was for WalMart.  So I got off at that exit, because I needed something from there.  But I didn't see a WalMart.  Instead, there was the main Post Office for the city of Phoenix and the main distribution center for the whole State.  If I had sent it from Holbrook or Payson by "overnight" mail, it might get there the next afternoon (24 hours later) or possibly even 36-42 hours later (yes we live in a very rural community).  But from the main Post Office of Phoenix it took less than 12 hours to get to Washington state, to our agency.  And from our agency it was sent on to the agency in Russia and it took 4 days! (Normal time frame would have been 7-10 days).
I had been super stressed when I couldn't find the Post Office near the Secretary of State's office.  I stressed out even more when I realized I had forgotten the address I had to send it to.  I was even more stressed when I found my cell phone was out of minutes and couldn't call anyone for the address or directions.  
I had a mini meltdown and then I decided to pray (now isn't that how we so often do that!).   I prayed like crazy.  And God led me to the one place in the State, that would get my documents to where they needed to go, the fastest possible way.  And after another saga (of which I won't recount here, but believe me, it was another almost identical saga as trying to find the Post Office) of trying to get minutes on my phone to call someone for the address, I got that accomplished too.
Thank-You God!  It sure is a blessing to belong to the best Father in the Universe!

The PARTIAL stack of documents for the adoption.  This stack is about 2 1/2 inches thick the final stack was closer to 4 inches!

What an apostille looks like in the State of Arizona